Everything Wrong With... Pro Evolution Soccer 2009

Everything Wrong With... will give you a list of everything wrong with a particular game. If the developers fix these problems, then they might have a decent game.

Misc Issues

Most of the gameplay changes could've been patched. Why did we need to buy a whole new game?

Konami randomly decided to re-do the entire movement mechanics making them worse for no real reason. They do this every year.

Nerfed the move where you press diagonally then forward to touch the ball past a player. Also made right stick manual pass which is annoying.

Sprinting - Annoying mechanics. You're expecting to sprint at a slight angle to beat a man, but you're player will cut at 45 degrees.

Sprinting - knock-ahead too large.

Sprinting - you can barely outsprint even slow players. C. Ronaldo being almost matched by a 73 year-old Tugay wasn't fun. Even cheat players with 99 for everything will not be able to outrun anyone unless you use the large knock-ahead, and even then you won't make much distance.

Animations and player models are still average.

Rubbish AI. Most noticeable in Be A Legend mode. Teammates won't cross/shoot/pass when they have a perfect opportunity.

Still has the stupid "2nd FK Taker" option that just gets in the way when you want the 2nd FK taker to be the 1st. Remove this feature for crying out loud.

Stupid knock-ahead after doing the step-over trick. If I wanted that to happen then I could just press sprint afterwards.

Your players fail to intercept ball even when it's 1mm away from their body. They have no awareness of where they are in relation to the ball.

Rebounded balls generally always fall to the opposition.

Stupid pass where the players pass it 1ft infront of themselves.

Shooting - Still has weak shots where the player refuses to put his laces through the ball with power. Always when you're angled towards the corner flag or North/South. It's not difficult to get power on shots from these angles. This is a constant problem that never gets fixed.

Teammates often pass/tackle/shoot automatically.

Sound of ball sucks.

No GK Cursor. It was available in 2008 and let you take control of your GK by pressing L1+Triangle. Has been removed for no good reason. Don't even try to pull your keeper out when an opponent is out wide.

Player's randomly don't pass straight - simple passes an U12 player could nail every time.

Rains too often when you have a certain stadium in ML mode - haven't investigated this much, but it definately rains far too much.

Be A Legend Mode

Stupid placement on corners. I want to be in the box so I don't have to rely on the dumb AI failing to header it clear.

Stat system innacurate. You'll get a worse rating than someone who's made less complete passes and shots on target, etc.

Can't skip international matches, even when banned.

Teammates stop running for ball sometimes when you press R1/R2. Stupid key mapping considering R2 is call for the ball.

Too many teams play 38 year olds.


AI cheat with slide tackle timing. Sometimes the EXACT moment your fake-shot animation begins to play, they activate their slide tackle. Slowed down replays show that it begins at the exactly the same time. This is humanly impossible reaction time. Cheating.

When running near an opponent they rarely misjudge sliding tackles. Every tackle seems to bring you down and they get a yellow, or gets the ball.

Opponents happily tackle straight through the back of you, with their leg literally passing through your body to get the ball.

When winning a tackle you'll be lucky to actually gain possession from it half the time.

Long animation after doing the leg-in tackle and missing the ball.


Still save the ball BEHIND the line which loses you a goal.

Constantly palm easy saves right into the middle of your 6-yard box.

When saving penalties down the middle they often let the ball go through their legs.

All these issues are easily fixed. The only reason for them being there is incompetence on the part of Seabass and Co.

Top 5 - Best Famous Video Gaming Quotes

Alternatively: "How many keywords can I fit into a title?".

1. It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of gum. (Duke Nukem 3D)

2. I am Murray! The all powerful demonic skull! (1:39) (The Curse of Monkey Island - Monkey Island 3)

3. Do a barrel roll! (Star Fox 64)

4. Hey! Listen! (5:26) (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)

5. Hadouken! (Street Fighter)

Cranky Indie

Free indie games. Some are old, but tough shit. Enjoy.

Combat Arms - not really indie, but it's free. Don't download unless you're in the US/Canada - Europeans like me will get Error code = PI,30022.

Golf? - quality golf game where you whack golf balls and drive around in a golf cart. Very cool wireframe visual style.

Cave Story - the most epic 2D indie game ever created. Insanely well made with some cool weapons.

Battle for Wesnoth - turn-based strategy game with a fantasy theme.

The Endless Forest - a multiplayer online game. No violence. Gets boring after 5 minutes.

Diablo III - World of Warcraft 1.5?

Update 20th Aug 09 - They've fixed the inventory (34 seconds into vid). I'm 100% sure it was because they saw my Neverwinter Nights inventory pictures below. Lets hope there's an auto-arrange button like there is in Silent Storm. Now if only they'd listen to me more often.

With the recent gameplay video and screenshots released of Diablo III, a lot of true gamers are pretty pissed with the art direction/graphics. Blizzard have taken World of Warcraft's textures and essentially added 1.5x more detail.

Before any cuntmonkeys start thinking I'm some fanboy, I'll say right now that I haven't completed Diablo 1 or 2.

I frequent forums that are filled with CoD4 playing assholes, and as a gamer with taste, I often argue that Diablo 3 is essentially World of Warcraft plus higher resolution textures with slightly more detail. I also mention the unrealistic coloured lighting with greens appearing from nowhere. Note the key points mentioned - texture detail and lighting colour.

Invariably, this is when I get some little shit telling me that I apparently want a pitch black game and that I'm emo. Remember the key points? Not one mention of brightness. Checking their profile, they're always 16 or under. I wish they'd fuck off and go cream their pants over their shitty little wannabe-sims like Forza and FIFA 08.

At some point they'll throw this screenshot at you:

Diablo II stonework

That screenshot is the last resort of someone who's seriously trying to defend an indefensible point. Unfortunately they fail, because you can't argue against fact - the fact that Diablo III looks like World of Warcraft 1.5.

Let me clear up the point about the textures. Diablo III's indoor areas look extremely flat. It's as if they got a painter to paint the stone textures, instead of just using real stone in the first place. This means there's no grainy, or realistic quality to the stonework. If you touched the surfaces with your hand they'd be totally smooth. Now compare that with these screenshots that actually have detail:

Diablo II stonework
Diablo II stonework

Your hands would get torn to shreds if you rubbed it down that stonework. After seeing those screens, this Diablo III screenshot looks fucking embarrassing:

Diablo III

I've made a few screenshots to emphasise the point:

Diablo II
Diablo II

Now take a quick look at this screenshot from IGN:

Diablo III IGN

Good god. I practically just raped you. That table/shelf thingy was from World of Warcraft:

If you say you noticed this, then you're lying.

It's about time I mentioned the new inventory. It's shit. Take a look at Neverwinter Nights 1's inventory vs NWN2's.

If you think NWN2's inventory looks better, then you're an idiot. It's no surprise that NWN2 was shit. NWN1 got all the little things right, and the little things do matter (in fact, they're more important than the story. More on that in a future post). Diablo III's already fucked up a few of the little things. Not a good sign.

Potions - dumbed down (on the Oblivion quick-jump scale) so dumbasses can play. There's nothing more to it. (EDIT - I've just been informed that dev's prefer to call this "accessible". Sorry about that dev's. All is forgiven... NOT.)

To wrap this shebang up, take a gander at this video: (I just got shebang and gander - two words you've never said out loud - into the same sentence. I am God.)

If you still think Diablo III looks like part of the same franchise, then you're fucking deluded. This game should not be called Diablo.

Sign this petition -

Exclusive: Bewildered Wars Online RPG

Here's an exclusive word for word snippet from the story Bewildered Wars!

The War In Which No One Truly Knows The Cause

(Featuring Brad Pitt and Megan Fox)

Bewildered Wars revolves around a King and A Queen. Undeniably a perfected couple, yet one day..all things changed. Screams were heard from the castle's outskirts by innocent bystanders. Rather devious and sly attitude being displayed by both forms of loyalty.

Abruptly, The Queen Shifted Away From The Land Of And her 'Beloved' Husband, King Faleu. Sieged war..but why? Warships Cast upon the rolling seas, only to set flames upon their once treasured land. The Queen Ereopha utterly intent on getting into the depths of the land once more..but..once again..why?..No one knows..Nor will they ever seem to..

Even down to supernatural beings..forced to choose a side. Those who found it pity to join in such a war with either side created their own alliances. Protecting..destroying..plaguing the streets with eerie displeasure. The human armies growing vast in mere months.

The Government never seizing to get any personal information as to why this war is taking place. No one is safe..the reason why you ask; War. Why we lay our putrid blood along the stained walls of secession..Bewilderment is the only answer. Bewildered Wars.


We are at war..Why you ask?..We don't Know

Here's Johnny!

I'm deciding to resurrect this blog. It has a nice Google PR of 2 and I'll try to up that.

Plus, this Diablo III cartoon shit is giving me a headache. I need to explain to certain arse bandits that Diablo shouldn't look like World of Warcraft 2. Expect me to hand their asses to him with some paragraphs choc full of ownage.